


we are lost and delirious and alone now

by MoreStars



Category: We Are The Tigers - Allen
Genre: F/F, They're Bonding babes, do I identify with both of these characters and also have crushes on the actresses? yes what of it, we love them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-21 08:01:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21071582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoreStars/pseuds/MoreStars
Summary: As hard as it was to admit, some good came out of the craziness of that night.Takes place between The Breakdown and FinaleTitle comes from Preston Max Allen's song 'Alone Now' sung by JRB and Celeste Rose!





	we are lost and delirious and alone now

“Which of you girls is named Eva?”

Automatically, Eva’s head turned to look at who was left in the cheer squad; Riley was put in the back of a police car, while Kate was in an ambulance. The rest of the girls stared right back at her, and it hit Eva that it was her they were asking for.

Why were they asking for her? She already gave them what she knew, which was really only what she witnessed tonight. She was done so much faster than everyone else, aside from Kate, who was almost immediately put on a gurney. They tried to ask her a few things, but her answers were very…belligerent. More than usual, or at least what Eva could imagine what was usual for Kate when she wasn’t trapped in a house with a murderer. 

Eva realized she hadn’t answered the cop, and raised her hand cautiously. 

“Your friend asked you to ride with her to the hospital. The EMT said it was okay.” From the tone of voice, Eva figured it wasn’t that easy. 

She looked back at the other girls again, but none of them seemed to mind that it was the new girl, a near stranger, that Kate wanted with her, and not any of them. She shouldn’t be surprised, given the situation, and that they were all wildly accusing each other like half an hour ago. And they all seemed distracted: Cairo was just sitting on the curb, hands clasped together, staring down. Annleigh was doing some kind of breathing exercise, and Reese was looking between them, desperate for something to do.

So, wordlessly, Eva walked to the back of the ambulance. No one said goodbye.

Kate was laying back with her eyes closed, but her jaw was clenched, and her hand kept moving to the stab wound in her leg, so it was pretty easy to figure out she wasn’t asleep.

Eva sat next to her, giving a good foot of space between where Kate’s had was resting and her body, and didn’t know what to say. Usually that meant that she just kept talking, saying everything her brain came up with to ease the tension, but this situation was pretty different from normal awkward silences. So she kept her mouth shut, and tried not to think about what she’d just been through. So, of course, it was all she thought about.

It was just her luck that the first night she spent with these girls, the captain had a breakdown, confessed to a murder, and stabbed another girl. The captain had personally invited Eva, too, to replace one of the girls she’d murdered. Eva was really benefitting from these deaths, which Cairo hadn’t hesitated from pointing out.

Her mom had told her that changing schools was hard, and making new friends would be a challenge. She really hit it on the nose. Part of Eva wondered if she should’ve declined the offer, the scholarship money. But then she wouldn’t have been there to record Riley’s confession, and who knows where they would all be then?

God, this was too confusing.

As if she could feel Eva spiraling, Kate mumbled something.

“What?”

Kate sighed, and repeated herself, actively trying to project and enunciate: “At least I’ll have something interesting to tell my grief counselor.” Eva didn’t say anything, so Kate kept going, “I was getting tired of telling her that, yeah, I’m still fucking sad.”

After a few moments of silence, Kate opened her eyes, but her hand still hovered over her leg. “It would’ve been funnier if you heard it the first time.” Silence. “Or probably not.”

Eva felt weird continuing to not respond at all, so she offered a small smile. Kate wasn’t looking at her, anyways.  
“Cairo was right.” Eva cocked her head, though it felt like Kate would’ve explained herself anyways. Eva wondered if she was already given something to help with pain, or to fall asleep. “She was right, about Chess. Kind of about everything. Probably everything but Riley, really.” Kate snorted at herself. “Figures she’d call me out about liking my best friend, when she was in the same damn boat.”

“I can see that,” Eva offered, but regretted it. What if Kate thought she meant about Cairo being right, or that thing about her and her friend? She didn’t seem like those were things she really wanted to be confirmed.

“For a little while, I thought we could get along, because of it. Annleigh, too. Losing people we love. But then I remembered that they both said I killed Chess.” After a moment, she added “I’m sorry they accused you, too. And it wasn’t cool for Cai to, like, blackmail you.”

Eva went to say that it was fine, but nothing about this was fine. She instead just said, “Thanks,” and then Kate turned her head to finally look at her. Something about it made Eva finally ask, “Why’d you ask me to ride with you?”

“Like I said, they all fucking called me a killer. I don’t need them getting me worked up and spiking my heart rate or whatever.”

“But why me? You don’t know me.”

Kate was quiet. Eva felt a little guilty at the declaration: they had a pretty nice conversation, after Kate complimented her pin. It set her up as one little bright point in this murder squad of darkness and doom. But still, one conversation, however long or pleasant, didn’t open up many walls.

“You were the only one that helped me. They all went to Riley, because she had to get tied up, that was the priority, I know that. But you helped me.” 

Eva nodded, and saw Kate bite the inside of her cheek, like she was holding something else back, so she cut off whatever it was by blurting out, “I’m sorry about your friend-Chess. You don’t deserve that. She probably didn’t either. And I’m sorry you got stabbed, that’s a big one too.”

Kate smirked at that, like Eva made a joke rather than said something really dumb and unhelpful. 

They sat silently for another few minutes, and Eva realized the ambulance had started moving and she hadn’t noticed.

“I didn’t want to be alone,” Kate whispered next to her, and Eva also realized that the gurney had moved closer. She was so frozen in the decision of staying there and maybe pushing boundaries, or moving away and maybe hurting Kate’s feelings, that she didn’t think to respond, and that only made her feel guiltier as the silence set in again. But Kate had no problem breaking it.

“Actually, fuck that. Cairo didn’t know shit. She thought I was dating Chess, and that wasn’t remotely true. I had a little crush, but even by the first sleepover I was thinking more about her leaving and losing a friend than any dumb crush shit. And then I was so pissed-” Kate’s mouth shut close so fast, Eva expected to hear her teeth rattle. Her jaw was clenched again, like she was clogging the stream of words that wanted to release. And then, as if the stream of words found another exit, tears started forming, falling down from her eyes. “Farrah was right, she was so smart, and she died after everyone was so angry at her, I was so angry… I wanted her off the team, out of my life, but I didn’t think-!” She stopped, sucked in a big breath and closed her eyes, like she could force the tears to stop. They slowed down, at best. 

Eva reached out a hand, maybe to pat her shoulder, she wasn’t sure, but suddenly Kate had grabbed it, clinging like it was her last hope, the last connection she had to the world. “I wish they were here.” Kate inhaled sharply again, then let out a long, slow exhale. “I’m sorry for asking you to come with me. You’re right, we don’t know each other. You didn’t have to.”

“You needed…” Eva was going to finish with ‘me,’ but she knew that couldn’t be it. Kate didn’t need her, specifically. “You needed someone here for you. Someone you could trust, at least a little.” She blinked, realizing something. “Should we call your parents?”

Kate started laughing lightly, and Eva felt a little pride for causing it. It was a pretty laugh, even after the sudden crying. Or maybe it was seeing the two extremes come so close together that made her appreciate the brightness more. “I didn’t even think about that. God, that’s…wow.”

Eva nodded, and started laughing too. Maybe later, she’ll panic, imagining her mother’s reaction to tonight. But right now, they both needed this. So they laughed.

Eva woke up to her eyes hurting, to lights too bright, and to the sound of Kate begging quietly, “I’ll do better,”

She was in the hospital. She was remembering, she asked her mom to let her stay in the waiting room while Kate saw the doctor. She’d even said something along the lines of, “Yeah, I could’ve died, but I already made a friend!” And somehow, it worked.

Kate’s begging had quieted, but she was still making a small whimpering sound, and her breathing was way too fast. As gently as she could, Eva put a hand on Kate’s shoulder. She was facing the opposite way in her sleep, so Eva started rubbing her back, trying to soothe her, allow her a calmer sleep.

Instead, she all but shot awake, eyes wide, her jaw set like she was angry, but there were still a few tears in her eyes. Eva couldn’t blame her, knowing exactly what she was probably dreaming of.

As Kate put together the puzzle, recognizing Eva as friend and not foe, her shoulders slumped down, and the exhaustion was plain. She scratched slightly at her arm, where the IV was put in, and before Eva could stop herself she reached over to slap her hand away from it. Kate looked stunned, then amused, a smirk on her face. Something in Eva softened at seeing her a little more at ease for the first time in…

Huh. Eva wasn’t sure what time it was. She couldn’t be entirely sure when the…big event went down, but she knew the police arrived around midnight. She checked her phone for the time-okay, so almost a full twelve hours. 

Out of nowhere, Kate jokes, “I give you full clearance to unplug my life support to charge your phone.”

Despite the darkness of it all, Eva laughed, and Kate looked incredibly pleased with herself. Without thinking, which is always her downfall, Eva said “Maybe I really was the murderer, and all for my phone battery.” Kate tried to force a laugh, but it sounded more like a wheeze, or a groan, and god dammit why did she keep doing this just think before you speak it shouldn’t be this hard how could that ever be appropriate-

“I feel a little…awkward. I totally spilled my guts to you on the ride here, a bunch of weird stuff.” It was obvious Kate was pulling the attention away from the shitty joke, but Eva let her.

And instead of responding, Eva just opened her mouth and let anything that wanted to out. “I realized I was gay in the third grade.”

“…what?”

“I didn’t know it was an option. I just thought it was common knowledge that girls were prettier than boys. And I also thought that kissing was just something you did to people you wanted to stay in your life. Thinking back it was really dumb, but I went up and kissed one of my friends on the playground. No one saw, and she didn’t do anything about it, just pushed me and ran away. I told my mom later, and she waited a couple years and explained to me in sixth grade, but after she’d run I kind of knew something was off.”

Kate just stared at her, mouth slightly open, like she wants to say something, but can’t think of what.

“I was put in a little cheerleading group as a kid, and was awful at it. I hated every second, and refused to try any stunts. Then, in eighth grade, my friend asked me to try out with her, and I got in and she didn’t, and I stayed because…well, fun, but at least partially also because pretty girls,” Without meaning to, Eva gestured towards Kate towards the end of the sentence, and whipped her hand down.

Kate gave a wide grin, but showed no indication if she noticed or minded the wave. “Little Ms. Best in the State. That could be a real scandal if it got out.” Eva nodded and smiled back, but kept going. She didn’t think they were even close to even yet.

“I’m trying to go into climatology in college, but there was a year where I didn’t believe in global warming.” 

Kate absolutely cracked up at that one, clutching her stomach, and the tears of fear and sadness from the hours before are replaced with joyful ones. Eva has won awards for cheering, and for science projects, and all other kinds of things, but she thinks this may be what she’s proudest of. 

Around three, she had to go, but Kate made her promise to visit again tomorrow-not that she had to. Eva definitely would have no matter what, seeing the difference she could make in Kate’s moods. Usually hospitals freaked her out, the sterile smell only drawing out discomfort on the occasion she’d had to come before, but now she was a little excited. She supposed it was the prospect of something positive coming out of this nightmare scenario, but she couldn’t really deny the sort of glow when Kate would smile at something she did and said.

It wasn’t cool at all to be developing feelings, here and now, right? She’d just lost her best friend, and then got stabbed. It wasn’t a good time. Eva doubted there could be a lot of good times after something like this, but especially not the day after.  
She thought all these things as she parked, entered the hospital, and found her way down the halls to Kate’s room.  
For a second she thought she misremembered the room, because of how many people occupied the space. Yesterday, Kate’s parents had come in and said something about her siblings that couldn’t fly down, so in no way did Eva expect such a full room. Then a metaphorical lightbulb went off a millisecond before Reese squealed at her.

“Yay! The whole squad, together!”

“What a beautiful reunion, in a hospital.” Cairo said dryly. Annleigh, with a scarily large smile, elbowed her without looking away from Eva, who she’d turned towards upon entrance, away from an already aggravated Kate.

“How’s Kate doing?” Annleigh asked Eva.

“I’m literally behind you. I just told you I’m fine.” None of the girls gave the response much notice, aside from Reese, who gave an enthusiastic thumbs up. Kate gave one back, not nearly as excited or sincere.

“She’s doing pretty good. Nothing too vital got pierced, so she should be let out soon.”

“If only Riley had better aim, I could miss some school as penance.” 

Reese and Annleigh laughed nervously, but Cairo gave a stare. Kate looked down, to where the blanket hid her hands. Eva finally maneuvered through the squad to reach her place at Kate’s bedside. Without looking her way, Kate’s hand moved to grasp Eva’s. As startling as it was, Eva didn’t dare move away. Instead, she squeezed.

“I think Kate needs some space,” Cairo declared. “Before we go, I wanted to make an announcement: As the only senior that’s been on the team for more than a month,” she looked at Reese, but Eva thought that, maybe, the look wasn’t as mean as it could have once been, not that she knew, “I’m taking over as team captain, at least unless anyone has any objections.” Cairo looked over at Annleigh this time, who very clearly avoided meeting eyes. “Or, unless we all agree to quit and destroy the Tigers forever? No? Okay. And as your new captain, I’ll also announce that Mattie is being released from prison. I visited her to tell her the story, apologized a lot, and she said she’d join the squad again. Something about ‘the little things,’ and ‘leaving the past behind.’ I didn’t ask.”

The rest of the girls share blank looks, the room filled with deafening silence. Part of Eva wants to say, “Who?” Both as a joke and a legitimate question, but for once she thought far enough head to figure it was a bad idea.

“And now that that’s out…so am I.” Cairo nodded at Kate, who returned it, then left. Reese and Annleigh gave more wordy and positive goodbyes, wishing Kate quick recovery and that they both have a good day, before following. Kate let out a long breathe, loosening her grip on Eva’s hand, but not letting go.  
“It’s nice they care?”

Kate shrugged. “Yeah. Better than ignoring it. I guess.”

Once all the information was out, all the girls got permission from the school to miss the first week of the new semester. Probably for publicity or reputation or whatever, Eva knew, but she also didn’t want the stares and whispers. The anxiety was bad enough with just being the charity case new girl without attempted murder on top of it. She couldn’t imagine how the other girls felt the first time around.

Kate was let out of the hospital the same day they got the news. She and Eva texted back and forth between the visits, getting less ‘comforting and wallowing’ and more friendly. Eva even got a little flirty vibe from it, now and then. Joking about giving each other flowers, some flustered compliments. Eva wasn’t stupid-she knew Kate was…really fucking cute. And gay. They’d had whole text threads about how awesome girls are, and about past crushes. But Kate had gone stony when she brought up Chess, and it pulled Eva into reality. They were bonding because Kate had been stabbed, and lost her best friend, and it was such a complicated situation, because Eva really liked Kate and they got along, but she had just stopped spiraling about this transfer into the murder squad and she didn’t want to let herself overthink a good thing. So she ignored it. 

Well, she ignored some of it. No harm in flirting. 

The second day that Kate was out of the hospital, there was a knock on Eva’s door. When she opened it, there was the glory dressed in flannel herself, playing with a hat- a different one than she’d worn the Big Night, Eva couldn’t help but notice- and smiling, albeit nervously. One of her hands, the one not fiddling with the beanie, was behind her back.

“Hey,” She greeted, and her voice was a little higher.

“Hey?” Despite her confusion, Eva moved to let Kate in the house. Kate didn’t move though, and her eyes never left Eva’s. She could feel a fluttering in her stomach at, some part of her reveling in the fact that this was the longest time they’ve spent with sustained eye contact. In the hospital, Kate had been staring forward mostly, or looking around, as if waiting for someone else to come in. It was perfectly understandable, but that didn’t change the fact that Eva really liked looking in her eyes. She liked seeing Kate standing on her own, able to be happy.

God dammit, she liked Kate so much.

“Hey,” Kate said again, and laughed at herself. Eva could feel the adoration in her own eyes. “I wanted to know if you were free, and also if you would want to see a movie with me?” As Eva thanked the powers that be that she had work off, Kate kept going. “There’s some new horror thriller out, and I’m usually into that, but…there’s also that reboot Charlie’s Angels, which could be fun. A good night of cute girls.” 

Eva was struck by the last sentence. Who all was she including in that?

Kate moved her hand from behind her back and revealed two tickets to the movie. “If you don’t want to see that one, it’s no big. I can do an exchange. Probably. Or just buy new ones. I’ll pay. Not that I don’t think you can, you work hard, I just wanted to be nice. Or if you wanna do something else. Oh, shit, you actually haven’t said you’re free yet.” Kate looked like she was holding her breath, waiting.

“I’m totally free tonight,” Eva said, and had a feeling that even if she was scheduled tonight, she might have called out just for this. Kate beamed even brighter, and stepped a little closer. Eva fought really hard not to take a step back. Or step even closer. It was hard enough just making sure her legs don’t give out.

“Do you need a ride? I can drive. Oh, the movie’s at ten, so we can get some food, maybe walk around the mall first. Whatever you want.”

“Just don’t drag me into Spencer’s Gifts.”

Kate held up a hand, scoffing and putting on the accent of an old southern woman. “Do not take thy Lord’s name in vain, missy. I’ll have you know there’s nothing disreputable about that there emporium.”

“Didn’t take you to be a fan of sex shops, but it’s not a deal breaker.” Eva blushed at her own response, but Kate just snorted.

“Yeah, shut up. Besides, Hot Topic’s the superior edgy store.”

“Jesus, what have I agreed to?”

Kate just smirked at her and took her hand, interlocking their fingers, and walked them to her car, which was older and more beaten up than Eva would’ve expected from a Giles Corey student. She didn’t know if she should feel respect or a little ticked off.

As if she knew what Eva was thinking, Kate started explaining while she turned the car on. “My dad always talks about how he doesn’t believe in handouts. I had to cut grass around the neighborhood for hours to save up until he thought I had earned his first car. Which, by the way, was one hundred percent a gift from his parents. But it’s fine. It runs, and I don’t need anything fancy. It reminds me that I really have life easy.”

Eva nodded, and finally landed on respect. Not that she would hold a car, new or old, against Kate. But it was definitely nice knowing that at least one girl on the squad actually understood. Didn’t hurt that it was the cute girl that was maybe taking her on a date.

“Even so, it’s a nice car. Mine still takes cassette tapes.”

Kate put on another voice, this time young and naive, and Eva did her best to ignore that it sounded like the one she put on to mock Riley in the basement. “Uh, what’s a cassette? Is that a CD?”

Eva just punched her in the arm, to which she yelled, “Not the driver! I can crash this so easily!”

“At least we’d be in the hospital together,” Eva shot back sarcastically, and was afraid that maybe it was too soon, but instead Kate just gave a genuine smile, glancing away from the road towards her.

As hard as it was to admit, some good came out of the craziness of that night.

The whole day, they held hands. Kate parked the car, launched herself out of the car just to open the door for Eva, and they only separated long enough for one to go to the bathroom, or grab a snack in line, before holding on again. And all Eva could think about was how much she wanted to kiss Kate, how much she hoped this was a date, and that it was going somewhere.

From the way Kate’s thumb tenderly ran over her skin as they walked around the mall, and the glances they gave each other even during the movie, and the way that at the end of the night it was clear neither wanted to let go in order to get in the car and go back home, even as the mall was completely closed down, all signs were pointed positive. But Eva wasn’t one to assume. So, as Kate walked her to her door, once again gripping her hand, she asked.

“This was a date, right?” She blurted out.

“Yeah. Did…did you not know?”

“I guessed, but I wanted to make sure.”

“Are you…okay with that?”

Eva nodded, almost hurting her neck. “Very. Yes. I really liked tonight. I liked being on a date. With you.”

Kate grinned, and Eva really loved how genuine she was when they were together, not like the distant and sarcastic smirk she had with the other girls. She liked that too, though. She liked everything about Kate.

“Cool. I did too.”

“Cool.”

“Would you want to do it again?”

For once, Kate seemed really out of her element. She was playing with her beanie again, and her grip loosened on Eva’s hand. So, Eva held on, this time being the one to take a closer step. 

“Definitely. I’m free tomorrow. I can take you to this skate park I go to.”

“Ooh, a skater girl. Avril Lavigne who?”

“You’re kind of a loser, you know that?”

“Don’t let anyone hear you. I have a reputation.”

“I’m sure you do.”

“No, really. I’m cool and aloof. Can’t let people know I care about things, or reference Avril Lavigne’s 2002 classic single, ‘Sk8er Boi.’ That would ruin my tough image.”

“You know you’re on a cheerleading squad, right?”

“Yeah, but so is Cairo. That means nothing.”

“I’ll give you that one. Okay, good night. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Kate nodded, but with a sudden move, she surged forward and kissed Eva’s cheek. “Night.” She sped away toward her car, leaving Eva standing on her porch, holding a hand to her face.


End file.
